I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
