you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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