Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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