Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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