Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
