I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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