Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
