I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
