No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
