awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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