I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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