Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Randomize
