you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
