My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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