I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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