Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
