this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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