She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
