It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
