we're chasing vodka with high fives
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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