I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
