life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
