My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
