phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
