well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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