Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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