How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
