oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
