dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
