He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
