Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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