Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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