Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
