Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
