I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
