when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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