Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
