So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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