i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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