Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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