I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
