I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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