what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
