After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize