if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
