i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
