4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
