This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
