I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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