I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My dick has a subreddit
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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