i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
