At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
