I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
