Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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