I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
