The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
