If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
