Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
